Words & phrases that change their meaning when you’ve had kids

Words & phrases that change their meaning when you’ve had kids

A LOT changes when you’ve got kids: the toilet becomes somewhere you go to relax; you get excited every time a tractor or a nee naw (sorry, emergency vehicle) comes down the street and you learn all sorts of noises and facial expressions you didn’t know you could make in order to get your child to smile for a photo. But did you know the words you use change their meaning too? Here’s a crash course in parent speak…

LIE IN

Pre-kids: To be noteworthy, anything past midday

Post-kids: To be noteworthy, anything past 7am

SPONTENEITY

Pre-kids: “Fancy a drink after work tonight?” “Sure” [10 drinks later you’re doing shots in a club, still in your work gear]

Post-kids: “Fancy a drink after work tonight?” “Love to! But i can’t tonight. What about 3 weeks on Thursday, post bedtime? No? OK well I’ll send you one of those nifty online spreadsheets of dates and hopefully we’ll get something in this side of Christmas”

RISK

Pre-kids: Hitch-hiking to Sydney but only being allowed to travel through countries ending in ‘stan’, not being allowed to take any local currency or to stay anywhere that has a profile on Tripadvisor

Post-kids: Turning up to Pizza Express at 5pm on a Saturday without a reservation

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A GOOD NIGHT

Pre-kids: Best friends + amazing food + free-flowing drinks + laughs-a-plenty + dancing to your favourite tunes until the sun rises. Preferably on a beach.

Post-kids: Getting more than 5 hours sleep. If consecutive then it’s defined as an exceptionally good night.

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TOO EARLY!

AN EARLY NIGHT

Pre-kids: Bow, bow, boooooow [a saxophone, ok?] – romance is in the air…

Post-kids: “Bloody hell, i’m knackered. Shall we have our tea and turn in?”

HUSBAND

Pre-kids: Someone you share all your hopes and dreams with

Post-kids: Someone you share childcare and chores with

LEAVING THE HOUSE

Pre-kids: exiting the door in an outwardly direction

Post-kids: a 2 hourly process of packing / nappy changing / children herding / re-packing  / more nappy changing / children re-herding etc etc…

HOLIDAY

Pre-kids: The chance to switch off, unwind and do little else but read books, sleep and drink cocktails in an exotic destination

Post-kids: Hyper-active chaos, no books or switching off involved. You are also probably at Center Parcs.

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QUALITY FAMILY TIME

NETFLIX

Pre-kids: Breaking Bad / Prison Break / Homeland / Mad Men

Post-kids: Peppa Pig / Thomas the Tank Engine / Paw Patrol / Ben & Holly

SATURDAY 

Pre-kids: the greatest day of the week, free to do ANYTHING! Or NOTHING!

Post-kids: a back-to-back marathon of swimming lessons, soft play and kids parties that requires careful logistic planning

DIET

Pre-kids: limiting yourself to 1500 calories a day

Post-kids: Not finishing the sharing bag of Dairy Milk Buttons

TIDYING UP

Pre-kids: everything in its home and neatly put away

Post-kids: Shoving everything into IKEA storage units which adorn every wall of your house. You may even be able to see a bit of carpet at the end.

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IMMACULATE!

PUTTING YOUR FEET UP

Pre-kids: Sitting on the sofa, with a cuppa / wine, watching some shite on tele, not talking to anyone and no to-do list

Post-kids: ****CANNOT COMPUTE*** PHRASE DOES NOT EXIST****

*****

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