A LOT changes when you’ve got kids: the toilet becomes somewhere you go to relax; you get excited every time a tractor or a nee naw (sorry, emergency vehicle) comes down the street and you learn all sorts of noises and facial expressions you didn’t know you could make in order to get your child to smile for a photo. But did you know the words you use change their meaning too? Here’s a crash course in parent speak…
Pre-kids: To be noteworthy, anything past midday
Post-kids: To be noteworthy, anything past 7am
Pre-kids: “Fancy a drink after work tonight?” “Sure” [10 drinks later you’re doing shots in a club, still in your work gear]
Post-kids: “Fancy a drink after work tonight?” “Love to! But i can’t tonight. What about 3 weeks on Thursday, post bedtime? No? OK well I’ll send you one of those nifty online spreadsheets of dates and hopefully we’ll get something in this side of Christmas”
Pre-kids: Hitch-hiking to Sydney but only being allowed to travel through countries ending in ‘stan’, not being allowed to take any local currency or to stay anywhere that has a profile on Tripadvisor
Post-kids: Turning up to Pizza Express at 5pm on a Saturday without a reservation
A GOOD NIGHT
Pre-kids: Best friends + amazing food + free-flowing drinks + laughs-a-plenty + dancing to your favourite tunes until the sun rises. Preferably on a beach.
Post-kids: Getting more than 5 hours sleep. If consecutive then it’s defined as an exceptionally good night.
AN EARLY NIGHT
Pre-kids: Bow, bow, boooooow [a saxophone, ok?] – romance is in the air…
Post-kids: “Bloody hell, i’m knackered. Shall we have our tea and turn in?”
Pre-kids: Someone you share all your hopes and dreams with
Post-kids: Someone you share childcare and chores with
LEAVING THE HOUSE
Pre-kids: exiting the door in an outwardly direction
Post-kids: a 2 hourly process of packing / nappy changing / children herding / re-packing / more nappy changing / children re-herding etc etc…
Pre-kids: The chance to switch off, unwind and do little else but read books, sleep and drink cocktails in an exotic destination
Post-kids: Hyper-active chaos, no books or switching off involved. You are also probably at Center Parcs.
Pre-kids: Breaking Bad / Prison Break / Homeland / Mad Men
Post-kids: Peppa Pig / Thomas the Tank Engine / Paw Patrol / Ben & Holly
Pre-kids: the greatest day of the week, free to do ANYTHING! Or NOTHING!
Post-kids: a back-to-back marathon of swimming lessons, soft play and kids parties that requires careful logistic planning
Pre-kids: limiting yourself to 1500 calories a day
Post-kids: Not finishing the sharing bag of Dairy Milk Buttons
Pre-kids: everything in its home and neatly put away
Post-kids: Shoving everything into IKEA storage units which adorn every wall of your house. You may even be able to see a bit of carpet at the end.
PUTTING YOUR FEET UP
Pre-kids: Sitting on the sofa, with a cuppa / wine, watching some shite on tele, not talking to anyone and no to-do list
Post-kids: ****CANNOT COMPUTE*** PHRASE DOES NOT EXIST****