So apparently breast feeding is free.
Ummm, really? Because it seems to be costing me an absolute fortune.
Here’s why: I’m contentedly going about my daily life (read: rushing around like a headless chicken juggling 2 small people and an over-active diary) when my 10 week old squawks his (extremely frequent) “call to boob” and I have to stop everything to get-him-the-hell-fed before carnage breaks loose (my boobs are lovingly referred to in our house as “the mute buttons”). I sit down, whack him on, and promptly swipe my phone open and head straight to the World Wide Shopping Web (WWSW) – the mall that never sleeps. And I shop. And shop and shop. And shop some more. Clothes, cushions, Christmas decorations (all year round): you name it, I’ll be shopping it.
Those that know me will know that this is no new phenomenon (I am known to my friends as the Martin Lewis of high-street shopping… wanna know when the next Whistles 20% off is? I’m yer gal!) but there’s something about being there, small person nuzzling away contentedly, that makes it all the more satisfying and (more importantly) entirely justifiable to “add to basket”, “add to basket” and “add to basket” some more, the joys of credit-card autofill and free delivery making it stupendously easy to set in motion beautiful shiny new products winging their way towards me.
And then, a couple of days later comes the familiar “ding dong” as the poor, over-worked postman delivers another fabulous package of treats to my door (or, in reality, to my poor, over-worked neighbours’ door), at which point I open the box like a child on Christmas morning, only to discover that the faux leather skirt that at 4am was going to totes transform my whoooole look is actually hideous.
And so begins the process of re-packaging (badly) and trotting off to return it at the local click & collect garage / post office, both of which are sufficiently close to my house to make the whole process dangerously effortless.
Then, at 4am that night I spot a coat that would go amazingly well with my pram (I have genuinely had this thought – and as a result have a coat the same pantone as my pram) and so the whole process begins again…
This is actually my life.
And having kids… WELL, for a seasoned shopaholic like myself this has essentially opened up a plethora of new departments and new reasons to shop. Maaaaan there are some cute clothes out there, and thank goodness my second born arrived in a totally different season to my first to make it wholly justifiable to buy a whole new wardrobe (my husband’s relief that it was another boy was shortlived when I announced, 4 hours post-birth, “He just looks so different to his brother doesn’t he – less navy blue, and more anthracite grey, dontcha think?”. I (potentially fairly) got called a knob. But ditched the hand-me-downs and went on an anthracite shopping spree).
(Small aside: my 2nd born slept the whole of the first night in hospital – polar opposite to my first – and I couldn’t sleep myself due to a screamer in the next bed – baby, thankfully, not mother – so instead hit the WWSW and bought a coat and 2 pairs of boots online less than 10 hours post-partum. I’m not entirely proud.)
I decided things were becoming a problem when I realised:
- I am known by name to the lady who works at the John Lewis Click & Collect counter at Waitrose
- Ditto the man at the Collect Plus garage round the corner
- Ditto the man at the post office up the road
- Ditto the DPD delivery man
- Ditto the Hermes delivery man
And I’m actually not exaggerating.
Ramble over. You get the picture: too much feeding = too much phone time = too much shopping and I need a distraction!
So, I’m starting this blog to carry me away from the nasty evil shop websites with their user-friendly apps and their nice, new shiny things. I’m doing it to relieve not only my bank account, but the postman, couriers, my despairing neighbours etc etc. In my head this is going to make me a whole lot more wholesome. I’ll realise there’s more to life than shoes, scarves and sugar bowls (I have 4). Fingers crossed a few months from now I’ll be a reformed individual – my brain will be brighter, my mind lighter and I’ll be adept at writing blog posts on my phone with one hand while wearing a jumper that clashes horrendously with my nappy bag and not even notice. Wish me luck!
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